踩地雷[20三维币]

xinfeng123

祝朋友们鼠年吉祥如意！

sumh

进展太慢了。我来再盖几层。

sumh

Tell what happened
The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole.

Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

Exactly where were you at the time of the accident? inquired the officer.

Mister, exclaimed the telephone lineman, I was at the top of the pole!

sumh

灌水，看笑话，学英语。再来一个。
Stand Up
A man sobering up from the night before was sitting through the Sunday sermon, finding it long and boring. Still feeling hung over and tired, he finally nodded off. The priest had been watching him all along, noticing his apparent hangover and was disgusted. At the end of the sermon, the preacher decided to make an example of him. He said to his congregation, All those wishing to have a place in heaven, please stand. The whole room stood except, of course, the sleeping man. Then the preacher said even more loudly, And he who would like to find a place in hell please STAND UP! The weary man caught only the last part groggily stood up, only to find that he was the only one standing. Confused and embarrassed he said, I don't know what we're voting on here, Father, but it sure seems like you and me are the only ones standing up for it!

sumh

In prison
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At work you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. In prison you get three meals a day. At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for that one. In prison you get time off for  behavior. At work you get rewarded for   behavior with more work. In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. In prison you can watch TV and play games. At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games. In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere. At work you're just ball-and-chained. In prison you get your own toilet. At work you have to share. In prison they allow your family and friends to visit. At work you can't even speak to your family and friends. In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to bars. In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any time. At work there are some programs you can never get out of. In prison there are sadistic wardens. At work, we have managers.

sumh

THE MERMAID AND THE COW
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family´s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her -- how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.
Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, "I´ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you." The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right." And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."

The young son replied, "Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?"

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?" And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not THIRTY times in a row?"

Finally, she said, "Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with me thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health."

Then the young fellow asked, "Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won´t kill you like it did the cow?"

sumh

TWO STORKS
Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. The baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don´t worry, son. Your mother will come back. She´s only bringing people babies and making them happy."
The next night, it´s father´s turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, the baby stork is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he´s bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork´s parents are desperate: their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he´s been all night.

The baby stork says, "Nowhere. Just scaring the hell out of college students!"

sumh

Humor about retirement
OLD FOOTBALL pLAYERS never die, they just go to the end zone

OLD FOOTBALLERS never die, they just kick the bucket

OLD FORESTERS never die, they just pine away

OLD FRIDGE REpAIRMEN never die, they just blow their cool

OLD FROGS never die, they just croak

OLD FRUIT never die, it just pear-ishes

OLD GARAGEMEN never die, they just retire

OLD GEOLOGISTS never die, they just recrystalize

OLD GHOST TOWNS never die, they become desolate

sumh

续：
OLD GOLFERS never die, they just lose their drive

OLD GRApHIC ARTISTS never die, they just de-rez

OLD GYMNASTS never die, they just take longer to mount

OLD HAMS never die, they just get grounded

OLD HARDWARE ENGINEERS never die, they just cache in their chips

OLD HELSINKI TOURISTS never die, they just vanish into Finn Air

sumh

Go to the hospital
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you‘re the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that‘s really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don‘t tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don‘t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody‘s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I‘m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

sumh

A game of animal football
The animals were bored.Finally, the lion had an idea."I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.I‘ve seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

sumh

提倡：水贴不太水。
灌水有理。

sumh

The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.One says, "Let‘s fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We‘re new here," says the second one."It‘s dark out, and we don‘t know where to look.We‘d better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them?I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.

When he returns, he is covered with blood.

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"

The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave.pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

"Yes," the other bat answers.

"Well," says the first bat, "I didn‘t."

sumh

Never talk to the parrot
Mrs. peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn‘t accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I‘ll leave the key under the mat.Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I‘ll mail you a check.By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won‘t bother you.I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn‘t resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don‘t you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

sumh

A game of animal football
The animals were bored.Finally, the lion had an idea."I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.I‘ve seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

sumh

形孤影只，孤家寡人。
没人应答，让我灌到3001

seashore45

同志们,向2800开动

seashore45

兄弟们,要不要比比在3000帖中,谁的回帖最多

seashore45

大家先报报每人的目前发帖情况

seashore45

这是本人总发帖的第330帖,
在此主题下的第250帖!

csace

大家都要向楼主这楼早就盖起来哒

sumh

A game of animal football
The animals were bored.Finally, the lion had an idea."I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football.I‘ve seen it on T.V."

He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play.They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin.

The lion‘s team received.They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt.The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick.He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits.He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six.

Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0.

Late in the first half the lion‘s team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point.The lion‘s team led at halftime 7 - 6.In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk.

sumh

"Look you guys.We can win this game.We‘ve got the lead and they only have one real threat.We‘ve got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he‘s a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino."

The second half began.Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino‘s team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino.Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running.First, he stomped two gazelles.He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way.It looked like he was home free.Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead.There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened.Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede.

"Did you do this?" he asked the centipede.

"Yeah, I did." the centipede replied.

The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?"

"I was putting on my shoes."

seashore45

继续顶哦

csace

我来帮大家翻页 :lol: