踩地雷[20三维币]

sumh

Go to the hospital Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you‘re the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that‘s really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don‘t tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don‘t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody‘s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I‘m o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

sumh

Naming your child
There was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother.

When the mother came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn‘t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, "The first one was a girl."

The mother: "What did you name her?!?"

Brother: "Denise!"

The Mom: "Oh, wow, that‘s not bad! What about the second one?"

Brother: "The second one was a boy."

The Mom: "Oh, and what did you name him?"

Brother: "Denephew."

sumh

Expert on parenting
The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.  

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there‘s anything you want to know, just ask me."

sumh

The pre-birth class
When our second child was on the way, my wife and I attended a pre-birth class aimed at couples who had already had at least one child.

The instructor raised the issue of breaking the news to the older child. It went like this:  

"Some parents," she said, "tell the older child, ‘We love you so much we decided to bring another child into this family.‘ But think about that. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, ‘Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.‘"  

One of the women spoke up immediately. "Does she cook???"

sumh

Pass out in shock




The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.  

Someone dialed 911.  

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.  

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

sumh

Have a first child

A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child.
After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife‘s stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was.
In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."

sumh

Bathroom troubles

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I‘m seventy years old. Every morning at seven o‘clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."  

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I‘m eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."  

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I‘m ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

sumh

Eating some peanuts




There was an old man whose family could no longer afford to take care of him. So the family decided that a nusring for the aged would be appropriate.  

Of course the old man rejected the idea, but no sooner he was convinced that it was the right thing to do. On his first day at the home, he spent most of his time laying in bed reflecting on life, feeling lonely. A while later, an orderly stopped by to seee how the old man‘s first day was going.  

"How you doing today?", she said to the old man, "First day I see". The Old man replied with a nod.  

In no time the two began talking up a storm. As the conversation began to drag on, the orderly was eyeing the room filled with fresh flowers, cards and balloons from friends and relatives. She noticed a bowl full of peanuts sitting on top of the table next to the bed, and help herself to a handful.  

As the two continued to converse with each other, the orderly kept eating more helpings of the peanuts. She look at her watch and noticed that nearly 2 hours had passed and said, "My goodness, the time has gone by quickly. I have to tend to other people here too." "That‘s okay.", said the old man, "I feel so much better being able to talk to someone." Looking into the bowl the orderly said, "I feel awful! I ate almost all of your peanuts!" The old man responded, "That‘s okay. Ever since I got these false teeth, all I could do was suck the chocolate off of them anyhow."

sumh

Wedding Anniversary
A couple goes out to dinner to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. On the way home, she notices a tear in his eye and asks if he‘s getting sentimental because they‘re celebrating 50 wonderful years together. He replies, "No, I was thinking about the time before we got married. Your father threatened me with a shotgun and said he‘d have me thrown in jail for 50 years if I didn‘t marry you. Tomorrow I would‘ve been a free man!"

sumh

How old are you?

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.  

"I couldn‘t help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What‘s your secret for a long happy life?"  

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."  

"That‘s amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?‘  

"Twenty-six," he said.

sumh

Humor about Senior Citizens
OLD KIDS never die, they just grow up
OLD KNIGHTS IN CHAIN MAIL never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils
OLD LASER pHYSICISTS never die, they just become incoherent
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their appeal
OLD LAWYERS never die, they just lose their briefs
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, their computers have Fatal Errors
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just check out
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just get re-shelved
OLD LIbrARIANS never die, they just lose their references
OLD LIGHT BULBS never die, they just blink out
OLD LIMBO DANCERS never die, they just go under
OLD LINGUISTS never die, they just rearrange their deep structures
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just disappear
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just float away
OLD MAGICIANS never die, they just make a big production of it

sumh

Humor about the Elderly

OLD HIKERS never die, they just trail away

OLD HIppIES never die, they just smell that way
OLD HOCKEY pLAYERS never die, they just achieve their final goal
OLD HOMEbrEWERS never die, they just ferment away
OLD HUNTERS never die, they just stay LOADED
OLD HYpOCHONDRIACS never die, they just imagine it
OLD HYpOCHONDRIACS never die, they just lose their grippe
OLD IMMORTALS [vampires, whatever] never die, they just...don‘t
OLD INTERpRETERS (for the deaf) never die, they just sign off
OLD INVESTORS never die, they just roll over
OLD JOKES never die, they just get retold by the young
OLD JOURNALISTS never die, they just get de-pressed
OLD KAYAKERS never die, they just roll back over, and do it again
OLD KEY pUNCH OpERATORS never die, they just punch out
OLD KIDS never die, they just adulterate

sumh

Jokes about Age

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just get played out

OLD MUSICIANS never die, they just go from bar to bar

OLD NUCLEAR pOWER pLANTS never die, they just go off-line
OLD NUMERICAL ANALYSTS never die, they just get disarrayed
OLD OWLS never die, they just don‘t give a hoot
OLD pACIFISTS never die, they just go to peaces
OLD pARADOXES never die, they just become enigmas
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they get sent to the old focus home
OLD pHOTOGRApHERS never die, they just stop developing
OLD pILOTS never die, they just buzz off
OLD pILOTS never die, they just go to a higher plane
OLD pLANETS never die, they just lose their attraction
OLD pLASTIC never dies, they just recycle it
OLD pLUMBERS never die, they just go down the drain
OLD pOLICEMEN never die, they just cop out

sumh

San Francisco Jokes

You Know You Live In San Francisco When ...
Your co-worker tells you s/he have 8 body piercings but none are visible.
When someone says TENDERLOIN - you don‘t think of steak. You think of danger.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
You never bother looking at the MUNI line schedule because you know the drivers have never seen it.
You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatra and Ethiopian.
A really great parking space can move you to tears.
You know that anyone wearing shorts in April is just visiting from Ohio.
Your child‘s 3rd grade teacher has two pierced ears, a nose ring and is named "Breeze." And, after telling that to a friend, they still need to ask if the teacher is male or female.
You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can‘t decide between yoga, aroma therapy, conversational mandarin or a building your own web site class.
You haven‘t been to Fisherman‘s Wharf since the first month you moved to SF, and you couldn‘t figure out how to drive to Coit Tower if your life depended on it.
A woman walks on MUNI with live poultry. You don‘t notice.
You think any guy with a George Clooney haircut must be visiting from the midwest.
You know that any woman with a George Clooney haircut is not a tourist.
You keep a list of companies to boycott.

sumh

France Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the Frenchman who jumped into the river in paris?  
A: He was declared to be in Seine.

CHENGJIZHAO

2789是我的吧

sumh

Pass out in shock




The man passed out in a dead faint as he came out of his front door onto the porch.  

Someone dialed 911.  

When the paramedics arrived, they helped him regain consciousness and asked if he knew what caused him to faint.  

"It was enough to make anybody faint," he said. "My son asked me for the keys to the garage, and instead of driving the car out, he came out with the lawn mower."

sumh

Fred was saying his prayers as his father passed by his bedroom door. "God bless Mommy, and God bless Daddy, and please make Calais the capital of France." "Fred," said his father, "why do you want Calais to be the capital of France?" "Because that‘s what I wrote in my geography test!"

sumh

What is the Guillotine?  

A French chopping centre.

sumh

Which ghost was president of France?  

Charles de Ghoul.

sumh

First witch: I‘m going to France tomorrow.  

Second witch: Are you going by broom?  

First witch: No, by hoovercraft.

sumh

China Jokes
Q: Did you hear about the new American Express Card they are issuing in Red China?

A: You never leave home.

sumh

Humor about the elderly




OLD BASKETBALL players never die, they just go on dribbling

OLD BEEKEEpERS never die, they just buzz off

OLD BIKERS never die, but they‘re hard on tires

OLD BIOLOGISTS never die, they just ferment away

OLD BLONDES never fade, they just dye away

OLD BOOKKEEpERS never die, they just lose their figures

OLD BOOKS never die, they just go out-of-print

OLD BOWLERS never die, they just end up in the gutter

OLD brAKES never die, they just grind down

OLD brIDGE pLAYERS never die, they just lose their finesse

OLD brIDGE pLAYERS never die, they just sit around on their fat aces

OLD BUDGETS never die, they are fillibustered

OLD BUREAUCRATS never die, they just waste away

OLD BURGLARS never die, they just steal away

OLD BUSINESSES never die, they just get consolidated

sumh

Time Is Money




As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light, I asked the driver, "Do you agree that 'Time is money'?"  

"Well, it's a very common saying. Who will care so much about that?" the driver answered.  

"Look, the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped, "I pointed at the meter.  

"Oh, yes. You've got a point here. In this case, time is money for both of us." added the driver.

sumh

Keys to one Success

One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness.  
Once you promise somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's word.'
"What is cleverness? asked his son.
"Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered.