踩地雷[20三维币]

sumh

Chinese plane crash
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

In a heroic dogfight, fought over international waters off the mainland China coast, a 60s era American-built Lockheed Electra propeller airliner with 24 US Navy passengers/observers aboard chewed up one of China's best state-of-the-art supersonic fighter aircraft.

The Americans utilizing the infrequently seen combat tactic of straight and level flight, often accomplished by relying solely on auto pilot, engaged the unfortunate single seat combat jet and knocked it out of the air using only one of its four formidable rotating air mass propeller weapons system.

After the action, the crew and passengers/observers dropped in on China's Hainan Island Resort for some much-deserved R&R as guests of the Chinese government.

Reprinted from the Taiwan Daily Gazette

sumh

Recruiting any and all pilots
The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. He directed a nearby Air Force base that will be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited.

As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.

He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"

The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"

The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man says, "I chop wood!"

"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"

"I chop wood!"

"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"

"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"

"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"

The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"

sumh

Give us new missiles
The 1982 Israeli invasion of Lebanon resulted in many dogfights between Syrian and Israeli jet fighters.

In the end, the Syrians lost over 80 planes and had a number of SAM batteries knocked out, while the Israelis lost no planes.

Sometime later, the Syrian Defense Minister was shopping for weapons in Moscow.

His host, the Soviet Defense Minister, was embarrassed about the scorecard from Lebanon.

He told his Syrian guest, "Take anything you want - our best tanks, rifles, or surface-to-air missiles."

"No, no - you don't understand!" the Syrian replied. "Last time you gave us surface-to-air missiles. This time we need surface-to-*jet* missiles!"

sumh

Change your course now
This is the transcript of an actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations on November 10, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

sumh

Physical training job
The physical training instructor was drilling a platoon of soldiers.

"I want every man to lie on his back, put his legs in the air and move them as though he were riding a bicycle," he explained. "Now begin!"

After a few minutes, one of the men stopped.

"Why did you stop. Smith?" demanded the officer.

"If you please, sir," said Smith, "I'm freewheeling for a while."

sumh

Discuss track types
Three Marines were walking through the forest when they came upon a set of tracks.

The first Marine said "those are deer tracks."

The second Marine said "No, those are elk tracks."

The third Marine said "You're both wrong, those are moose tracks."

The Marines were still arguing when the train hit them.

sumh

New submarine Ensign
The new Ensign was assigned to subs, where he'd dreamed of working since a young boy.

He was trying to impress the Master Chief with his expertise learned in Submarine School.

The Master Chief cut him off quickly and said, "Listen, 'sir', it's real simple. Add the number of times we dive to the number of times we surface. Divide that number by two. If the result doesn't come out even, don't open the hatch."

sumh

Misunderstanding terms
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that they don't speak the same language.

For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building," they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.

Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.

Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with suppressive fire and close combat.

The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.

sumh

Landing at a hidden military base
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

sumh

Fishing on the lake
A famous admiral and an equally famous general were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both eminent warriors were struggling helplessly in the water.

The admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the general, using an oar.

Catching his breath, he puffed: "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found I can't swim I'd be disgraced.

"Don't worry," the general said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."

sumh

The Colonel's Order
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

sumh

Become more effective
The unit engineer had just finished a talk on introducing mechanization in fatigue details. A sergeant reported thoughtfully: "Sir, I just discovered something that does the work of fifty men."

"What is it?" the officer got interested.

"Two hundred soldiers."

猛牛過江

:handshake :handshake

sumh

Soldier stands guard
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The general said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."

The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"

sumh

Chinese learned this
Time sensitive note: This joke pertains to the crash of a Chinese plane into a United States plane over International waters. China demanded an apology from us and stole technology from our plane when it was forced to make an emergency landing in Chinese lands.

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"

5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings

3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

sumh

Painting shows it all
At an exhibition of military painting a visitor was admiring a picture.

"What a great realist that painter is!" he exclaimed.

"What painter?"

"The one that painted this picture 'Soldiers at Work'."

"Yes, hut something is wrong there. Those soldiers aren't working at all!"

"That is just the greatest stroke of realism in the picture!"

sumh

Lease nuclear weapons
Lease a Nuke!

Want power and respect? Want to influence the course of world events? Want to be on CNN every night? Tired of hum-drum conventional warfare and messy bio-chemical weapons? Want to watch the citizens of your favorite arcology squirm and sweat in constant nagging fear of instant and unexpected anhilation?

Lease a nuclear device!

In the wake of the former Soviet Union's demise, there are literally thousand of high-quality nuclear weapons complete with intercontinental delivery systems going unused.

Though these systems are indeed powerful and destructive weapons of war, they are most effective when used in a more passive role. The US and USSR have proven in years of research and actual testing that nuclear devices are most effective when merely targeting an enemy. Actual detonation is not normally necessary to acheive tremendous effect in the designated target's military, political, economic and social well being.

Imagine the boost in national pride and morale when you personally announce on state radio and television that you have put long-time enemies under threat of nuclear destruction. They will praise your name as a powerful and inspired leader even without the secret police's encouragement.

Why lease?

By leasing, you not only save money developing your own nuclear technology program, you save a lot of unnecessary headaches too.

Nuclear weapons development is expensive and time consuming, not to mention easily detectable. It could take you years to aquire and build the necessary industry to manufacture weapons-grade material. Even after that, you still have to design, build and test your first device before anyone takes you seriously.

Purchasing existing nuclear hardware is also expensive and risky. Most governments are on the lookout for such activity. Many dealers are crooked. Do you really want to take a chance getting ripped off by shady weapons dealers?

Even if you succeed purchasing through the black market, you stand the risk of getting on the wrong side of international opinion. You could lose existing conventional arms contracts, face economic sanctions or even military action.

With a lease you avoid a lot of other problems too. Since the weapons are not on your property, you avoid becoming a target yourself. You can forget about the high cost of security, environmental pollution concerns and even subversion by renegade generals in your own army.



The advantages of leasing are tremendous. You just sign, point, and go! When you are through leasing, just turn in the button and walk away. You can even change your target at any time for a small fee. (Handy for preventing those nasty coup d' etats.) You can announce your target or keep it secret. Each targeted device contract comes with a certificate of authenticity and sufficient proof actual delivery capability.

The best part is, you don't pay for the whole weapon, unless you actually fire it! This alone presents a HUGE cost savings over the alternatives.

Imagine the power and prestige you will feel when you get your very own button. You can do things you never thought possible, like pounding your shoe on the UN podium. Hey, and nothing says sexy like a nuclear trigger.

Hurry, opportunities are limited! Contact Raydeax corpoaration for more details on how you too can become an instant nuclear world power.

Dr. Nuketopia,

Technology Director of the World-Wide Monetary Conspiracy

猛牛過江

:funk: :funk:

sumh

Submarine humor & fun
Submarines are safer than airplanes. Proof in the fact is there are more airplanes in the water than submarines in the air!


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Response from a junior (very junior) sonar watchstander

"Sonar - Conn, Report all contacts in preparation in coming to periscope depth"

"Conn - Sonar, I hold no contacts - how 'bout you..?"

"Sonar - Conn, Supervisor to the Conn"


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QMOW: "Navigator we're on a course for sea mounts."

NAV: "Exec we're heading for shallow water."

EXEC: " Captain, we're running out of water."

CAPT: "What, no water, ...very well, secure the showers."

猛牛過江

:handshake :handshake

sumh

Choose a punishment
Private Loyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

猛牛過江

titter titter

猛牛過江

不鬧你了....我去睡了...881

sumh

An inferiority complex
Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex."

"Nothing I can do for you", said the doc.

"In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior..."


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An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."

"Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.

sumh

Reward these soldiers for their work
A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General's office. "Since we weren't actually at war," the General began, "I can't give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we've decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We'll start on the left, boys, so what'll it be?"

Soldier 1: "The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!" General: "Very good son, that's 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds"

Soldier 2: "The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!"

General: "Even better son, that's 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds"

Soldier 3: "The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!"

General: "That's a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: "What! Son, where is your left pinky?"

Soldier 3: "Falkland Island, sahr!"